The Perfect Name
by hit-the-duckies
Summary: Why do only four family members get representation in the demonspawn's name? That just ain't right.


**I've made money off of Twilight. Not very much, but I have done it.**

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Edward sighed happily and watched his wife and daughter communicating on the couch across from him. Renesmee put her palm to Bella's cheek, making her giggle.

"Sugar pie," he said. Upon hearing his velvety voice, Bella immediately turned to face Edward, dropping their daughter in the process.

"Yes, pumpkin?" She responded eagerly.

"Bella, love, my sweet sugar plum fairy, you are so amazingly smart for thinking of the perfect name for our little angel. I love you."

Bella somehow defied all laws of vampirism and her cheeks flushed red.

"I love you, too, poodle. But I was actually thinking about that earlier."

"What about, darling?" Edward asked, his eyes glazing over with love as he stared at Bella.

"About Renesmee Carlie. That gets all our parents, but, I was thinking, what about Rosalie? She was pretty helpful during the two-days of my pregnancy, you know.."

Edward smacked his forehead.

"Of _course,_ cuddly bear! We need Rosalie in there, too!"

"So, how about Renesalie Carlie?" Bella asked timidly.

"Perfect! You're perfect! I love you, honey buns!" Edward shouted.

Renesalie Carlie looked back and forth between her parents in confusion.

"Except…" Edward's brow furrowed. "What about Alice? She's helped a lot, too. Even though we all like to call her an annoying pixie and exaggerate how much she enjoys shopping, she really is pretty important."

"You're right!" Bella suddenly felt chagrined. "Okay, so I guess we should call her Renesealie Carlicie?"

"Amazing. I love you, snookums!"

Edward and Bella stared into each others eyes for a long time without speaking. Renesealie Carlicie tugged at her mother's shirt sleeve, but Bella didn't notice. She was busy lusting after Edward's topaz eyes that were, like always, simmering.

"But, twinkle toes, wait," Bella said after a long time. "What about Emmett? He's been so pivotal in this family, playing video games and making sexual innuendoes all the time..."

"Bella," Edward growled, suddenly sporting an impossibly enormous erection. "Don't talk about sexual innuendoes, bubbly-poo. You know I behave like a 12-year-old boy would in the Playboy mansion when you do anything even slightly suggestive."

Bella somehow magically blushed again, and Edward was overwhelmed with how stunning she looked. He was about to say something that he'd said a hundred times before about the loveliness of her cheeks, but was interrupted.

"Okay," she went on, "So, how about Renesemmetalie Carlicie?"

Edward nodded happily, reveling in the sheer wonder that was his wife.

"Daddy?" Renesemmetalie Carlicie said uncertainly. It was the first word she had ever spoken, but Edward was too busy gazing at his wife to notice. She sighed and lifted a hand to touch his cheek and show him that she was bored and confused. Edward's vision of Bella was suddenly replaced with some boring, confusing blur, and he swatted at Renesemmetalie Carlicie's hand in annoyance as he realized something.

"Wait, pudding! What about Jasper? He's going to play an important role in her life! He needs some representation here, princess!"

Bella's brow furrowed in thought.

"So… Renesemmetalie Carjasilicie? Does that sound okay, goober-pie?"

"It sounds more than okay, lovebug," Edward simpered. "It sounds absolutely beautiful, especially when you say it. You're so beautiful. I love you."

Renesemmetalie Carjasilicie sighed in exasperation as her name grew longer and more ridiculous. Bella tilted her head at Edward and let her thoughts drift back to Isle Esme. Suddenly she found herself uncharacteristically losing control. All thoughts of her responsibilities as a parent flew out of her head, and she stood to remove her clothing and jump Edward at once. But before she could undo her pants, Edward brought up a very good point.

"But, cupcake, what about Phil? I have a feeling that he'll be something like a second father to her. I think he should be a part of her name as well, don't you, muffin?"

"Oh," Bella said, sitting back down. "That's true. Hmm.."

"How about Renesemmetalie Carjasphilicie?" Edward asked.

"It's brilliant!" Bella shouted. "That's Renee, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, Carlisle, Jasper, Phil, Alice, and Charlie! All of her closest family members!"

"Perfect!" Edward purred seductively.

Renesemmetalie Carjasphilicie flopped onto the ground and tried to think of a nickname that could somehow salvage whatever would remain of her dignity after she entered high school in a few days as the only half-human half-vampire with a name like that. She didn't have much luck.

"Which last name should she have?" Edward mused.

"Oh, that's easy, babycakes," Bella said promptly. "She'll have all of them."

"All of them?" Edward said, a smile creeping over his face. "Hmm.. Renesemmetalie Carjasphilicie Dwyer-Swan-Cullen? I like it, I like it."

Bella nodded enthusiastically. "I know, right? It's _perfect!_ And once she marries, she'll be Renesemmetalie Carjasphilicie Dwyer-Swan-Cullen-Black! Oh, schnootziekins!"

Edward jumped up and pulled Bella into a tight embrace.

"That's so fantastic! I can't wait! I used to hate Jacob, but now that he's fallen in love with my week old daughter, he's really proved himself to have some redeeming qualities! Once they're married, our little girl will have the most perfect name ever! Oh, honeybunch!"

Renesemmetalie Carjasphilicie Dwyer-Swan-Cullen stared in disbelief at her parents as they began to kiss furiously. She had only been here a week and she already hated her parents. They were entirely insane and way too public. Plus her dad stole all her glory by chewing open her mom's uterus when it was time for her birth.

That was _her_ job, damnit!

And ever since she'd been born, they'd been too busy staring at each other and professing their love repeatedly to even notice her. She's grown 16 inches in the last ten minutes and they hadn't even noticed! She was nearing puberty, and even though she had a boyfriend who had the anatomy of a full-grown man, the brain of a 12 year old, and the sex drive of a 16 year old, they still hadn't given her the sex talk!

Bella began to pull down Edward's pants, and Renesemmetalie Carjasphilicie Dwyer-Swan-Cullen decided that she had seen too much and left the room quietly, well assured that she wouldn't be missed.


End file.
